Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us. Philippians 3:14
In the third drawer of my nightstand, right next to my bed lies one of my most prized possession. The imprint of my son’s hand from when he was 6 years old. When I look at it now and lay my hand over his hand print, a flood of emotions pour over me. Oh to be able to hold that little boy and tell him how much I love him. How I wish I would have stopped more to relish in his smile and face. If I could go back and tell myself to stop and look at the joy he had in making this tiny gift. If I could, I would say stop for a second and treat it, treat him as precious gifts.
I didn’t take much time as a mom to nurture as I should have. I was striving to be something, someone. I wanted to be somebody and to prove that I had worth and in the process of striving, fighting, working, pushing, I far too often passed by the very gifts in front of me that looked at me and saw me as someone who had great value and worth to them. I took what I had for granted.
I was so broken, that for many years I thought that money, position and possessions would be the answer to my value and worth. Then my family, my kids, my husband, everyone would see me, love me and be proud of me. I didn’t know, I didn’t see, they already loved me and saw me as valuable. They even saw me as broken and allowed me to find my own way.
In the depths of my being, I just wanted to find that inner peace that reminded me that I am enough and valued by my family and by God. I was a Christian, but didn’t know who I was in Christ. I had no idea that what God saw and my kids saw was so different from what I saw.
I am so grateful that no one gave up on me. I am beyond blessed to be a mom and a Nana. I have found a love that is far beyond anything I could have ever wanted. I have found my worth, not it the things, even though we have been blessed with them, but in Christ. I have found my value in His word. I have found my purpose in the community of His Church. I have found myself surrounded by the love I had always longed for.
I can’t redo those lost years and I can’t go back. But I can continue to move forward and love others like I had always wanted to be loved. I can see the value in others and tell them how amazing they are and that Jesus has made them spectacular. I can hug my family and friends tightly and pray for them continually. I can pour out the energy of my life into people who are much like I was so that maybe, just maybe they will experience the love of Christ and the love of family and community right where they are.
Striving for things to find your worth is futile. Vain ambition. Prideful. However, pressing on to possess that which Christ has laid out for us will fill that emptiness with the love, power, joy and value that we crave. My prayer is that in my story, people can know they are not alone in their brokenness. I can tell them it’s okay to forgive yourself and love yourself. I can tell them to stop and enjoy the moments God is giving them right now. I can tell them that if they let go of “me” and let God take hold of their life, He will begin to mend that brokenness and heal their heart.
I can open the third drawer in the nightstand next to my bed. I can hold that little imprint of my son’s hand and I can thank God that He has given me one amazing life and blessed me beyond my wildest dreams. Still a little broken, always in the process of being mended, I am loved and I can love freely because He first loved me and gave me value. God bless you Moms and Dads, Nanas and Papas. You are blessed and have great worth!
